The Tab Hunter: Vol. 17

April 9, 2007

Courtesy of In Touch, an instant IQ test. If you're excited about this show, you're a fucking idiot. If you're not, you're not.

The Tab Hunter returns. If it comes in with a yawn, it goes out with a roar of laughter, right? (No, it usually ends with a yawn, too.)

In Touch had the most of interest, positive and negative, this week, despite a less engaging cover: "EXCLUSIVE KATIE LOOKS PREGNANT Is she trapped for good?" has so many things wrong with it, not the least of which is...how someone looks is not and never can be considered exclusive. Page 4 has those stupid reader quizzes that expose the editorial staff's ignorance ("Was Angelina cruel to change her son's name to Pax?" Cruel. It's hard to think of that as cruel with moms cutting their kids' heads off out there.) and the readership's ignorance ("Yes 53%") at the same time.

Also worth noting is a story on page 24 about Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen's dual rhinoplasties. They already had nosejobs in 2004, so this isn't exactly breaking (no pun intended) news. But In Touch's wording is interesting: "Seeking a more sophisticated look, the Olsen sisters had plastic surgery together." I find it odd for In Touch to be so out of touch as to suggest that slim noses equal sophistication. At best, they make the Olsens' pucker-pout expressions more aerodynamic. Apparently, you can't buy sophistication even by paying through the nose.

In Touch wins points by devoting their latest "thelist" to "The hottest guys named Matt." Hey, now here is a game I like. I didn't make the list. Perhaps I was bubbling under? Let's see:

#10 Matt Damon's a great actor and attractive, but not my cuppa tea.

#9 No idea who Matt Leinart is, but he should be in the Top 3.

#8 Matt Dillon is probably my all-time #1, even if he looks oddly like Bruce Campbell lately. Not that Bruce is without his horrifying charms.

#7 Matt Long, who was on Jack & Bobby. Yeah...I don't think he's that cute and he's totally unknown, the Sanjaya of this list. Someone on staff is nursing an irrational attraction, because he does not belong on the list. What about Matt Lauer???

#6 Ryan Phillippe. See, his birth name is Matt. This is how desperate they got with this list. Yes, he's hot, but how sad Matt Dillon was beat on this Hot-Matts list by a dude named Ryan.

#5 Matt Davis...yeah, they were really digging fame-wise. Looks-wise, he's cute. But Top 5?

#4 Matthew Perry. Maybe nine years ago.

#3 Matt Dallas is a great pick. He's adorable. I hate that his quote is, "I'm not used to having girls talk to me," because my immediate thought-response is, "Girls." Then he raves about the one confirmed inhabitant of his bed, named Sebastian. It's a dog. Even the dog is a male.

#2 Matthew Fox is well-chosen as #2. He gets better looking as Lost gets less absorbing.

#1 The reason the list was created: Matthew McConaughey. In the same way ’70s teen idols like Leif Garrett only existed in the pages of fan mags, Matthew McC only exists in the pages of tabloids. Quick! Name his last two movies! Waiting...

Star isn't even playin' in the tabloid field anymore, plastering a deer-in-the-headlights shot of Katie Holmes on the cover with a "DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN"-sized yellow "CAUGHT!" stamped on her Step-forehead. Much as I love the idea of her planning to leave Tom (oooh, sounds like a new Prison Break), I don't believe it.

Star is the worst-designed of all weekly tabs. This sample page shows it is about as interesting as those annoying ads in the back. Speaking of which...

Funniest thing in the House Of Fuller has to be page 84's Biokoline-A (weight-loss) ad. The woman shown seems, at first glance, to have the worst fat picture of all time—it's not bad enough that she's got fat rolls, she also looks like she was captured with no bikini bottoms on. Am I right? If you look more closely, she has something on. But that's if you look closely.

Ever spotted a beaver this far out at sea?

National Enquirer has a point with too-skinny celebs, but do Kelly Clarkson and Mrs. Pierce Brosnan genuinely have "DEADLY EATING DISORDERS?" Or just fat asses? I mean, can't we just be fat?

But NE saves the best for last—a back-page feature on how to "KEEP YOUR PETS FUR-EVER." That's right, a story on making clothing out of your (still-living) pets' fur. The women pictured in the article look disturbingly like their pets, which makes sense since they're basically wearing their pets' hides. But the money quote is, "It's clean, sanitary—and you'll always be close to your pet." Yes, it's the best way outside of intercourse to feel as one with them. And until America lightens up on the bestiality taboo, wearing Fluffy as a muff is the next best thing.

Fashionable and frickin' insane at once!

OK! tries to do the right thing, it really does. It never succeeds. Their cover implies Nicole Kidman has had pow-wows with Tom and Katie, but can you wrap your head around the idea that she gives two shits what happens to either one of them?

Inside, OK! generously gives Madonna a two-page spread to encourage readers to aspire to live like her. Funniest thing is that in order to get "Her ladylike style," you only need $2,260. That would be $2,200 for a Dior By John Galliano clutch and, uh, 60 bucks for one of her H&M dresses. Or, skip the clutch and have the ladylike style of a grad student on an ill-conceived third date.

Rachel from Friends cautiously enters a 10-year reunion at Central Perk.

Finally, I'm sick to death of The Girls Next Door being all over the tabloids, as if they're normal members of society. They're three sluts from 21 to 33 who are in a simultaneous relationship with an 80-plus-year-old millionaire. They make Anna Nicole Smith look like a lost national treasure. They make Donald Trump's wife look like the Queen Of Fucking England. How can America be against prostitution and yet kick back to enjoy their TV show? Whatever you think, I'll tell you one thing that OK! gets wrong about them—absolutely nobody wants to envision them in the kitchen preparing food. "Unleash their inner domestic goddesses?" The only things they've got inside them are tied tubes and a misplaced Rolex. Ick.

Further reading here.