, Who's Gay.

I can see queerly now.

National Enquirer (December 3, 2007) offers its always-entertaining look at "Who's Gay & Who's Not." There's not even a question mark in there.

My main reaction is that NE picks some pretty low-hanging fruit. Why not conjecture about the sexualities of, oh, say Vin Diesel, Queen Latifah, Orlando Bloom, Seann William Scott, Barry Manilow, Eddie Murphy...but anyway. Here goes.

The score:

SANJAYA MALAKAR
National Enquirer's verdict: "He can't sing and he's definitely not macho, but Sanjaya is straight."
Matt's verdict: Are you fucking kidding me?

MICHELLE RODRIQUEZ
NE's verdict: "It's no crime, Michelle loves the ladies."
Matt's verdict: It's no crime anymore, but Michelle loves the ladies.

JEFF GORDON
NE's verdict: "Sorry, guys, it's the ladies who pop his clutch."
Matt's verdict: Why does he have a gay fanbase anyway? I'd rather say, "Fuck Republicans!" than fuck Republicans. Probably straight.

CONDOLEEZA RICE
NE's verdict: "It's an open secret that Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is gay."
Matt's verdict: If you don't think she's gay, you're dumber than her boss.

Gay? Straight? Both? Neither?

OSCAR de la HOYA
NE's verdict: "The Enquirer judges are taking the chicken way out on this: If Oscar wants to say he's straight, then he's straight!"
Matt's verdict: I think he's basically straight, loves cross-dressing and might or might not be open to having sex with men while dressed as a woman. But he's obviously a cross-dresser—those pictures were not fake.

JESSICA BIEL
NE's verdict: "The evidence is strong that she seems to like women, too."
Matt's verdict: She puts the "bi" in "Biel."

JAKE GYLLENHAAL
NE'S verdict: Curiously, they make no judgment, they just say some people think he is.
Matt's verdict: I don't know, but I suspect he might be.

LARRY CRAIG
NE's verdict: "The likelihood is about 99.999999 percent."
Matt's verdict: At least.

JODIE FOSTER
NE's verdict: "Jodie's gay."
Matt's verdict: At least.

JOHN TRAVOLTA
NE's verdict: "There's credible evidence to support charges he's had gay encounters."
Matt's verdict: There's more credible evidence of that than there is that he's had straight ones.

CHER
NE's verdict: "Cher now seems to prefer men to women."
Matt's verdict: That is putting it mildly.

PRINCE CHARLES
NE's verdict: "Anything is possible when it comes to the British royal family, but doubts that Charles is the true Queen of England."
Matt's verdict: Cheers.

GEORGE TAKEI, CYNTHIA NIXON
NE's verdict: Duh, they're out!
Matt's verdict: Duh, they're out!

CARMEN ELECTRA & JOAN JETT
NE's verdict: "Where there's smoke, there's plenty of fire."
Matt's verdict: Burning bushes.

CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
NE's verdict: "Right now, she's playing for the straight team."
Matt's verdict: Yes, she seems like she was a foul-weather lesbian only.

Wannabe my lover?

SCARY SPICE
NE's verdict: "She's had at least two serious girl romps."
Matt's verdict: Switch-hitter.

AL REYNOLDS
NE's verdict: "Al reportedly has a long history of partying in the homosexual enclaves of New York's Fire Island."
Matt's verdict: Where are the enclaves? Are they near the Pines?

MICHAEL URIE
NE's verdict: "Michael, we believe you're straight!"
Matt's verdict: I'll go along with that...just don't ask me about Lee Pace, Eric Szmanda and the guy from Chuck.

MAUREEN McCORMICK
NE's verdict: "Straight, straight, straight."
Matt's verdict: Something suddenly came up a long time ago, but it's since come down.

CHYNA
NE's verdict: "It seems clear Chyna prefers to go to the mat with women."
Matt's verdict: No split decision—she's a dyke.

MARTHA STEWART
NE's verdict: "Straight."
Matt's verdict: Agreed.

SHEMAR MOORE
NE's verdict: "Straight."
Matt's verdict: I can't really go along with this one.

LIV TYLER & KATE BOSWORTH
NE's verdict: "Close friends."
Matt's verdict: Hmmm, that would explain Orly. But yeah, I think straight.

CLAY AIKEN
NE's verdict: "Female Claymates shouldn't expect to mold Clay into a ladies' man!"
Matt's verdict: Why is this even a question?

Comments

[Hephvescent]

Oooh love it Matt!!!

[Bill Howard]

What happended to the comments abourt Zac Efron?

[Matthew Rettenmund]

Must've missed those!