I Don't Want Your Sex

The above is a Manhunt ad I spotted about two weeks ago. It floors me how you can start out pitching yourself as a "genuinely nice guy," then lecture people about what a dick looks and acts like, ending with a diatribe about "the girlie boys that aren't really men." (I won't post his name or pictures, but while he looked masculine, he didn't look THAT masculine. I don't know that a construction crew would give him a free pass.)

The cock wants what it wants, and I don't begrudge anyone for not being sexually turned on by effeminate or macho or whatever other type of men (though I question people who refuse to entertain the thought of specific races since there is such a vast array of physical and personality types within the words "black" or "Latin" or "Asian" or "white"), but I think you have a serious issue with yourself if you despise effeminate guys to the point where they're "not really men" and are "cunts." And if you're overly concerned with people who are a "gay stereotype," you have absolutely no self-esteem and are not comfortable with who you are. So what if idiots think all gay men are one certain way? Be pissed at the idiots, not at the gay men who are that one certain way.

Another funny hook-up profile from Grindr here in NYC showed a sexy, lithe, smooth guy whose words of wisdom were (updated with exact quotes):

"FACE pic or BLOCK

"Equality is finally in New York! Hopefully this will make the gays act more sane & civilized! Only into masculine & fit!"

No irony whatsoever.

"Lean" is the new "no fats, no femmes," which was the old "height/weight proportionate." I feel like if someone is looking for leanness, I would almost expect body-fat pincers to be used on the first meet-up.

Not that I'm hunting around too hard for playmates—in case you haven't noticed, I'm an incurable voyeur.

I'm totally not against hook-up apps and sites—everybody's using them, right?—though I think they have their down sides (as well as their downlows). Grindr and Manhunt and others fascinate me...this unromantic (literally, not meant as a judgment) approach to getting what we want is wonderful in terms of sexual freedom, but I do wonder if it also trains us to have complete disregard for one another. Don't think so? Say, "Hey, you're cute!" to someone whose ad implores people to "say hi," then see how quickly you get blocked if you have no picture or if your picture isn't quite right.

Comments

[Mike]

Yeah, I'm always amazed that these types of guys even get any responses to their ads. I know I immediately think "I don't care how hot they are, if they have a shitty or judgemental personality, I don't find them attractive"...

[Marco]

These guys are douchebags and yes, I am sure you can hear the GaGa playing in the background of their pictures. It always turns out this way.

I have no issues with asking for lean, however, if I am looking. I am far from perfect but do have a body type i like, although it comes in many colors.

My new thing is people calling themselves hotties. Sorry, you can't bestow that tile upon yoursef even if you walk the runways in Milan and if you're on Manhunt, you probably don't.

[MaskedPlayer]

What also bothers me about these ads like the first one you posted that read "And just because I compliment you doesn't mean I want to fuck you", is that its totally untrue. Yes you do!! If that guy responds back with a compliment, guess where the conversation is headed?! Its a hookup site! Nothing more, nothing less.

[kenneth]

I'm speechless.

[Ben]

I'm all for sex freedoms too...but the internet has RUINED dating! Manhunt, Grindr and their ilk turn attraction into a commodity for trade. Yes, casual sex has been around since the dawn of time, however the relative/contextual disconnect inherent in anything "online" facilitates a reduction in standards of behavior and etiquette that's almost mind numbing.

And I have to bite my tongue about the whole "no femmes/masculine only" hysteria that befalls some gay men. It's this perverse form of misogyny that manifests as a redirect. Despite the fact that we're all men and all have penises, there's this immediate leap to delineate and segregate on GENDER-based qualities that really have no place in a SAME SEX dating universe.

I don't always buy the counter argument that it's internalized homophobia. It's fear of the feminine within, which is a bit different from fear of the homosexual orientation. Sure they're connected because they can manifest within the same person..but...ugh...see I have to stop. It just makes me want to shake people until their heads stop rattling with nonsense.

[AngryOldMan]

Let's face it - if you have to tell someone you're nice, you're probably not.

[Daniel]

Can I get an "AMEN"?!

[Matthew Rettenmund]

I didn't even go into my main obsession, which is these sites' users' obsession with "masculine." Like AngryOldMan says, if you have to call yourself nice, you're not, and if you have to call yourself masculine, you're probably not. Or rather, you're probably fake-masculine and so insecure about it you can't stand people who don't conform to the idea of masculinity you're trying to project.

@Marco: I don't think it's wrong if someone doesn't like bodies that are not lean, fit, whatever, I just think as a person who's almost never been truly lean, it conjures a body-Nazi image. I also think it's almost 100% true that all the youngsters who wouldn't dream of hooking up with someone "old" change their tunes as they become "old," and people with lean, perfect bods get much less demanding when they lose their youth and/or their lean, perfect bods. The best find, for a fattie or for a person with love handles, is a guy with a perfect bod who started out fat—once fat, always fat, and they're less likely to write you off out of hand.

[ggreen]

its funny because the Manhunt guy IS a gay stereotype. His ad proved it. I am always amused by the litany of sex acts some guys think must be performed before its considered actual sex. Also “XYZ is my partner we play together and separately”. How desperate does that sound? In other words we are so incompatible sexually we stopped trying but we are petrified of being alone.

[ggreeen]

PS I dated someone fixed up by a mutual friend and had a wonderful time. Later I looked at this guy’s Manhunt profile, I wouldn’t have answered his ad or responded to him in a million years it was so sex specific, judgmental and negative sounding. The guy told me I never meet quality guys on Manhunt only flakes.

[Marco]

Yeah, I hear you Matthew. As I've aged (I almost typed "matured" but God knows that's a lie) my definition of what is sexy has grown and changed and I don't care how great your body is if it's inhabited by a moron.

[Bossy Bottom]

Are there really gay men who can't help being effeminate? I roll my eyes at effeminate gay men because their mannerisms always seem to be an act. A gay man who swishes around is announcing to the world that he is gay and essentially daring someone to say something about it. He is preempting criticism or disapproval in a way that seems unnecessarily over the top.

[Matthew Rettenmund]

@Bossy: You know what's really effeminate and unmanly to most straight men? A guy who sucks a cock and lets guys stuff their cocks up his butt. That's how I approach it...masculinity is relative.

I do think there are many men who are effeminate and who behave that way completely without affectation. You see effeminate little boys all the time who are too young to be faking it for effect. Yes, there are queens who lay it on thick for effect and for fun, and most "masculine" gay men I know have been known to camp it up on occasion, too, but for me the question is: Why does that annoy people? At best they're just expressing themselves and at worst, what, they're being a little silly in a way that doesn't really matter.

I'm on the side of the gay people, not the rest of the disapproving world, who need to just get over it. (And I'm not saying I've never had an effeminate-phobic bone in my body—several, I'm sure!—in that I for sure react negatively at times to guys whose effeminacy seems ridiculous. But I don't embrace those feelings. Like, the blond guy on THE A-LIST annoys me, though it's more because his most over-the-top behavior is not even acknowledged as over-the-top, if that makes sense. It's why I used to be like, "Michael Jackson is a DRAG QUEEN!"—it wasn't the drag queen aspect that bothered me, it was that other people seemed to be in a conspiracy not to refer to or acknowledge or accept what was as plain as the whatever-that-was on his face.)

[Bossy Bottom]

If a gay man wants a lean, muscular Abercrombie model type, and can attract that type, more power to him. I was not born with a pretty face, but I think I could have had the Abercrombie body if I had disregarded academics and concentrated on sports in high school and college. I think the gay ideal body does take hours and hours of working out every week. I think that even in my 40's I could look pretty hot if I could only win the damn lottery. As it is, I am too tired after working 40+ hours every week to get to the gym more often than a couple of times a week.

[Matthew Rettenmund]

@Bossy: Sing it, sister. Something about how you talked about your face made me think of how in kiddie pageants they have "facial beauty," and on those TV shows about them, I've seen/heard some contestants' own mothers say, "She doesn't have what it takes to win facial beauty, but..."

[Tomi Luka]

Another rule of thumb is that if someone is quite conspicuous/obsessive on their quest to have a hot body, 99 times out of 100 there's something dark going on in there. Yes, there's hot guys with pretty insides, but for those men the hot bod is normally a consequence of a longstanding discipline (as athletes or dancers)-- the gay vanity is just the final booster, rather than their entire motivation.

To make matters more complicated, I heard of some study on the brink of coming out (if not out already) adding Grindr as a 'risk factor' on STD transmissions-- you know, in the same vein as alcohol or drug use.

I deleted the app a while ago. Only use Scruff which is cruisy too, but allows room to also see the person as less than an object.

As for masculinity, if I read something along the lines of 'I love watching the game with a cold beer' or 'I'm just a dude who likes dudes' or some faux-frat stuff like that on someone's profile, I pass. (An actual straight guy wouldn't write that on their profile, would thay?) I once read something on someone's profile that said 'I have preferences but I'm smart enough not to have exclusions'. Same goes for myself. I'd rather have an authentic, if nelly friend than a phony f-buddy.

[SKOC211]

Well it's nice to see that gender norms are alive, well, and being continually perpetrated by the gay community - a community whose entire derision and persecution in main stream society is based on the fact that we break the singular most important gender norm there is.

I really hope that when you're sucking my effeminate cock you feel good and masculine about yourself.

And when you're reinforcing the idea that effeminate gay men are somehow less than men, "cunts," or whatever, I hope that when the real bigots are harassing me, screaming faggot at me, or, Gaga forbid (see what I did there), attacking me, you feel secure in the fact that, as a "masculine" gay man, you are somehow better and safer than us silly queens and fags.

[bobby f.]

From my Facebook entry about this, I wrote: This reminds me of the old adage about guys who write "straight acting" in their ads: You don't look so straight with a dick in your mouth!

[Trey]

Matthew,
You are a cute guy and should have no problem meeting guys at all. I have no problem with guys using this to mess around, but it seems like a one night stand type of thing. I don't think you would need it.

[Matthew Rettenmund]

Thanks, Trey! I'm not really using it to meet guys, I'm just a looky-loo. :)

[Michael]

I agree with Ben's comments - here's to dating, and broadened perspectives of masculinity and femininity.