Charlize Theron & Penelope Cruz/NOT & NOT—The reason people should question them, NE says, is that each has played a lesbian or bisexual on film. Get a load of this reasoning as to why Cruz isn't gay: "But Penelope, 37, dated Tom Cruise and Matthew McConaughey before marrying rugged actor Javier Bardem." You know if they're with a rugged guy he's hittin' it hard, right?
Nicole Richie/NOT—She's not, but a producer of her movie Kids in America claims her reaction to the filmed lesbian kiss was, "She dug it a lot."
Hines Ward/NOT—A newcomer! "Rumors abound that the Pittsburgh Steelers' star wide receiver prefers men. Why? He won this season's competition on Dancing with the Stars." Point-blank: Huh??? I guess the gay boogie is in our genes. It gets way worse: "He's also rarely seen without a smile on his face and loves to pose for photographs with his mother." They got the memo that "gay" is not always synonymous with "happy," right? They say he's "a straight arrow" because he has a son.
AnnaLynne McCord/NOT—She came under suspicion when she kissed her sexy sister at a volleyball game.
Evangeline Lilly/NOT—She's still being questioned for her hello kiss to a galpal at Cannes.
Katy Perry & Rihanna/NOT & NOT—Lots of innuendo about how the BFFs like to pat each other's butts, and how Rihanna can't find the right man.
Naomi Watts/NOT—Oh, no! She, too, kissed a lady at a film premiere!
Danny Pintauro/GAY—No shit! Someone who came out (at NE's not-so-gentle urging) years ago is still, in fact, gay. A shot of him dressed in drag is what led to the cover line, "From Child Star to Drag Queen," even though dressing as a woman at some point does not a drag queen make.
Ricky Martin/GAY—I guess NE has access to the Twitter. Anyway, they break news by saying Martin and his sexy BF will wed in Argentina, "And the couple's wedding attire will be matching chaps. Ole!"
Pink/BI—They don't flat out assert it, but NE seems to say she's bi because she fooled around with "bisexual actress Kristanna Loken" and has said she's "glad to be considered part of the gay community" in spite of being with Carey Hart and giving birth to his child.
Kiefer Sutherland/NOT—A smooch with a male pal in public was just a joke. But so is this loaded write-up: "[He's] been divorced twice and his relationship with Julia Roberts ended badly after he got caught with a stripper. But Kiefer isn't on the prowl for men who need a shave." ???
Rebecca Romijn/NOT—She kissed a girl, "But we're not talking gay here."
Scarlett Johansson & Sandra Bullock/NOT & NOT—Okay, here we go with more bullshiz. "Bad breakups can drive any woman to switch teams." Really? They're brought up only because of a mock kiss on stage.
Laura Dern & Amy Yasbeck/NOT & NOT—They kissed at a rock concert, but Dern can take solace in NE's defense of her straightness: "Laura's definitely worked her way through many Hollywood men."
Jane Lynch/GAY—She's "proud" so gets a sweet write-up.
Steven Bauer/NOT—He kissed drag star Elaine Lancaster, but, "The totally straight actor has been friends with Elaine for years and they were simply delighted to see each other." He's straight, but that sentence is pretty gay.
Wynonna Judd/NOT—They say she's loving being a gay icon (whatEVER) and is straight in spite of that sexual-harassment suit brought by a female.
Christina Aguilera/???—There's enough evidence that she likes the ladies that even NE has to express they're "wondering."
Jessica Biel & Sarah Silverman/NOT & NOT—More staged kissing.
Rosanna Arquette & Katherine Moenning/NOT & PROBABLY—Rosanna may "prefer men," but Katherine is "not saying" and "is known for pursuing transgender roles and eagerly took part in a documentary on homeless gays." Eager beaver!
Helen Mirren & Bai Ling/NOT & NOT—Please, put out my eyes, but they were just pecking hello at a premiere. Helen, her lips were not worthy!
Vanna White/PROBABLY—NE is very skeptical due to stories about White's lesbian affairs.
Chyna/PROBABLY—Juicy talk about bumping and grinding with various women.