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Jun 21 2010
If You Liked It Then You Shoulda Put A Hotel On It: Broadway Bares XX—Strip-Opoly Comments (16)

IMG_6559Note: I am very open to receiving IDs of any- and everyone in this post! 

Tons of sensationally hot videos are here. Tons more ditto pictures are here. And support Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS!

  PreviewScreenSnapz001My third Broadway Bares, directed by Josh Rhodes and assistant director Lee Wilkins and produced by Jerry Mitchell with a Monopoly theme, was the best yet even if the star power was not as jaw-dropping as one might expect for a 20th anniversary show—no matter, because who the fuck cares about Missy Tony Winner when you've got a stage filled with the country's best, brightest and nakedest Broadway dancers? The night was like one big no-handed edging session. I'm not sure if the experience is untoppable, but if it isn't, it's definitely a power bottom in sequins.

IMG_6558Shiny, happy people

Jason and I (pictured, above) showed up at 10:35 last night to line up for the midnight show, only to find the line snaking out of Roseland and about three-quarters of the way to 53rd already. It was already a gay-list day—not only did I spot both Leslie Jordan and Paolo Andino on Ninth Avenue, but I got all blogged down by brunching with Kenneth from Kenneth in the (212) and running into Jesse Archer, Joe Jervis (pictured), Jared Eng and Andy Towle at BB. See, not all bloggers spend their lives in the pajamas...though I'm in mine as I type this. Hmmm.

IMG_6315222The lovely AJ Thorpe ushered us in

They let us in around 11:30, whereupon we made a beeline for the middle, settling on the inside edge of stage right. It was packed and quite warm (a 90-degree day had preceded) but not too bad. I feel terrible for the cute guy adhered to me from the front (I felt bad, but he felt good) because my camera must have poked him 200 times later on. I saw some of the usual pervs—myself included—many of whom pop up in my videos from previous years.

IMG_6333The show started 20 minutes late, but it unfolded at whiplash pace. Dapper Euan Morton (so brilliant eons ago in Taboo) kicked off the opening number "The Best Game in Town" in a top hat and tails a good little monopolist, introducing us to the lovely ladies who stood in for the iconic game pieces. Each and every one was described in sexually suggestive ways, even the wheelbarrow—you can guess what she's capable of carrying away.

IMG_6340No, THIS is the best game in town

IMG_6341 There she is, Miss...Vanessa L. Williams

IMG_6343The show's biggest star opened the whole thing 

PreviewScreenSnapz001 With no build-up, he introduced the biggest stars of the night, the resurging Vanessa Williams (don't even dream that she would be dumb enough to get naked again) and everybody's favorite Christian Broadway bombshell Kristin Chenoweth. The ladies were on point and suitably glam, sporting nice gams.

IMG_6352Josh's entrance (the other one is available to view here.)

Joshua Buscher, a West Side Story dancer in possession of (this must be official somewhere?) the greatest white behind on the Great White Way was someone I picked out last year as a dazzler; this year, he starred in a show-stopping number called "The Bank" set to Lady GaGa's "Money Honey" (OMG, or was he copying Madonna???) that culminated with him dancing totally nude while basically wearing two male peers. It was a well-tailored fit. 


QwqJosh puts it allll behind him


If you want all the minutiae about what the ladies accomplished this year, you might need to search for a Girl Culture blog; I love women, but I was so boycrazy I fear I will not do justice to the female-driven numbers. I do know that soon after a rowdy lipstick-lezzie lingerie number called "Connecticut Avenue", a talented, black-bustiered female Alysha Umphress crooned Journey's "When the Lights Go Down in the City" so well that I do hope someone went down on her after the show.

IMG_6367Greek god of carnage and The Liu

God of Carnage babe Lucy Liu emerged to introduce her boobs ("I call this one 'Itty' because it's a little bit smaller") and to remind us that she's never hosted The View. I don't think she had much chemistry with her co-star, Big Gay Italian Wedding's Reichen Lehmkuhl, but it's okay—Reichen is such a list of textbook desirable traits for some that he's capable of asexual reproduction. (And I loved his coin-trinketed Speedo with matching wristbands.)

IMG_6377A fave moment—Brandon Rubendall

IMG_6379Making a pit stop

AaaBreast in show

One of the best choreographed numbers (by Nick Kenkel) was "Pass Go," featuring male and female dancers in a sort of tribute to I think a race track or gas station ...I'm an idiot for not recognizing the title of the very well known song, but I'm hoping someone will help me out: whose moves were set to the pitch-perfect "Shut Up and Drive" by Rihanna. Loved the ass-wriggling contempt.

IMG_6385Monopoly's railroads were sent up with a line of men choo-chooing across the stage as clothes disappeared to the strains of classic striptease music you might've heard Gypsy Rose Lee disrobing to...except with less peen peeks.

IMG_6389Her biggest fan

IMG_6395A zen moment

AaaaaaaThe end is near

XxxxI could see right through his motives...and his pants  

IMG_6391The "Orient Avenue" number was probably the most beautiful, pulsating with red lights and black tattoos (not to mention sheer red pants giving glimpses of black jockstraps). The women were exquisite with their fans, but I'm sure the crowd was filled with fans of the men who writhed on what resembled a giant Oriental lamp as it dangled them above the stage.

IMG_6405I think my favorite number overall—because it had humor, hot people, brilliant choreography and was topical without being too expected—was "Boardwalk," the memorable send-up of Jersey Shore. The place was really hip-hoppin' for the lead guy John Carroll—a much cuter quotation of The Situation, then lost it when Jennifer Cody, a much cuter version of Snooki, emerged, only to get cold-cocked, leading to a sensational slow-mo punch-out. Unlike that tease The Situation, The Fake Situation got totally naked for us. And the only ones juiced were those of us in the audience.

IMG_6410Dressed for every Situation

HiDragging the show up

A drag-powered "Ring My Bell" starred Charlie Williams an adorably dirty bellhop who brought not only more towels but many more naked derrieres, servicing the room for what would be hefty tips later on.

IMG_6420Finneran & Hoffman's arresting bit 

Katie Finneran with the incomparable Jackie Hoffman (lately of the comparable The Addams Family) killed in their bit, in which Hoffman arrested Finneran for soliciting sex ("Sex??? This is the theater district. People just give me a hundred bucks to try on my pretty dress!") and for theft, accusing her of stealing Promises, Promises night after night. Hoffman played up her distress at not getting a Tony nomination, baring her red bra and shouting, "Take that, Tony committee!"

Jail1Andrew Glaszek, busting out all over (Ryan Rubek to his left)

Jail2Adam Fleming really felt this piece  

HiKyle DesChamps tries to put Warden Sebastian La Cause in his place

I've been a special patron of the Go To Jail Boystheir number was the most high-concept and high-artsy despite using low-artsy "Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns 'n' Roses to help communicate their scenario of a hapless jailbird (impossibly cute Kyle DesChamps) being seduced by his lothario warden (impossibly sexy Sebastian La Cause). With dancers like Eddie Rabon, Andrew Glaszek, Alfie, Adam Fleming and Adam Hart just to name a few, who'd want to get out of this jail free?

IMG_6429Ward Billeisen (L) & Matthew Skrincosky (R) made their number a real pisser

The water-cooler number had to be the classical, all-in ode to water sports, complete with his dancers spraying him and us (with water, I hope!) from hoses between their legs (the other ones).

IMG_6436Diamonds are a girl's BFF, but wigs and costume jewelry are bringing up the rear

PreviewScreenSnapz001The show went out on the Nicole Kidman version of a Marilyn Monroe/Madonna's version of "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend"/"Material Girl" before perky, bedazzled Diana DeGarmo took the stage—when did she become a Rosie Perez for the new generation?—to announce the show was kind of over.

DdDiana DeGarmo wouldn't let me stuff my $2—I had to hand it to her!

"Kind of" because we still had to listen to all the well-deserved accolades for those dancers who'd raised the most money (Clay Aiken's BF Reed Kelly made over $40,000, breaking the record).

IMG_6451Clay's pony-hung BF, raving beauty Reed Kelly

Finally, special guests were paraded onto the stage including Christopher Sieber, Charles Busch, Alan Cumming, Cheyenne Jackson, Lea Delaria and Nick Adams (I did not see Jane Krakowski or some of the others who'd been announced previously) and rotation began.

KthxNick Adams removes all his fur but the wears some...

IMG_6461Lucky me, I was in the shadow of Reichen Lehmkuhl (who seemed a little embarrassed—at first—with no reason to be, oy), a gorgeous young guy John Paul LaPorte squatting in a jockstrap (always a good look...I was caught in the eye of the storm) and Sebastian La Cause, who—like all of the Go To Jail and other dancers I snagged—graciously posed for a picture with sweaty, disheveled Matthew.

NoshameSebastian La Cause releases visual pheromones when he grins

IMG_6524Adam feared this'd be a bad pic—like he's ever taken one!

IMG_6533Right after Josh twirled my hair into a point (no, not really)

YWith Eddie. Don't spouses pay private detectives for pix like this?

IMG_6513Andrew never reveals brown-eye at these thinks, but did sport a fake black eye

RyanWith Ryan Rubek, the spitting image of a young Kavana 


ReichenReichen & Reed

IMG_6456Matt Anctil (dead center) and crowd

23Every body who was any body was there!

RRotation was a madhouse, but I got you as much video (part 1 here, part 2 here, part 3 here) and as many photos as humanly possible. It was a pleasure to see so many of my Broadway crushes under the same roof and under the same clothing restrictions; my wallet shot its load over and over. Some of the guys are better than others at the whole instant go-go boy thing, but one stand-out had to be the Italian prince who was handing out (lipping out?) sweet kisses in exchange for whatever paper currency you cared to stuff in his Speedos. Like Joshua Buscher told me, they came to feel like wearing diapers they were so overstuffed with ones, fives, tens and beyond.

IMG_6471Gorgeous John Paul LaPorte & Reichen

IMG_6472Sebastian cheers for his troupe's third-place results in fund-raising

IMG_6481Raising money by lowering his pants

IMG_6498Kyle had the cutest undies (and knew it)

IMG_6495Imagine what he gets away with thanks to the smile alone...

IMG_6537 If Adam Hart ever does porn, here is his box cover

IMG_6539Power couple [UPDATE: They split in 2011.]

ZxJosh's "money diaper"

IMovieScreenSnapz001Public dancer, dancer for money...West Side Story's Sam Rogers

ShyAfter I took this shot of Matt Anctil, I had to split...

It was good, clean, dirty fun—another great Broadway Bares.